Expert Movie Reviews: An Introduction

Fellow Rolexus enthusiasts,

Much like the guy who owns the Pawnee Video-dome, I am an expert in movies. My opinions are correct and closer to the word of God than all the holy books of varying religions combined. 

In semi-seriousness, I am not a fan of movies. I would much rather binge watch 17 hours of TV than sit through a 2 hour movie of the same premise. Im not saying it makes sense, thats just how I am. Even so, I do watch a fair share of movies and am moderately knowledgeable about Hollywood- maybe its because I live in it (*snooty Eagletonian laugh*). My one weakness is that I get all sorts of white actors confused with each other. You can’t tell me there isn’t a generic Hollywood equation for good looking white dudes to star in movies.

My guy on the other hand, is a total movie nerd. If he has a movie related question while he’s driving, I HAVE to google the answer for him. Small price to pay since I use him as my personal movie encyclopedia. He co-created his own website and they write about movie related things. If you want actual well thought out, well written movie reviews and neato interviews with credible sources, you should pop over to his website, Dance Like DeVito!!

If you like lopsided opinions, largely misinformed rants based on very personal projections on a movie, buddy boy o’ pal, you’re in the right place. As hard as I may try, it doesn’t seem possible to neatly describe my movie tastes. I like fun, happy, cute stuff but I love me some action and all around ridiculousness. However, I categorically den my corneas access to movies that too accurately depict depression (been there, don’t wanna relive it) or have characters facing mindblowingly adverse conditions (I fucking hate post-apocalyptic or stranded in space movies). Lastly, I despise with a passion THAT RIVALS THE RISING SUN AND TEN HUNDRED OF ITS SISTERS, PRETENTIOUS, CONDESCENDING, MINIMAL DIALOGUE, TEN MINUTE SHOTS OF SOME DUDE IN PLAID MAKING BREAKFAST AND SILENTLY CONTEMPLATING THE IRONY OF HOW DOGS DONT WEAR CLOTHES BUT WEAR LEASHES BUT PEOPLE DONT WEAR LEASHES BUT CLOTHES ARE BASICALLY LEAS—- look, I didn’t pull that from a specific movie but Im sure you get the gist. I’m too smart for your bullshit tumblr wisdom.

 

 

 

If you’re confused thats ok, so is my Netflix algorithm.

Basically, Im gonna start a series on here where I talk about movies Ive seen either new in theaters or at home on netflix. It won’t be informative, but it might be fun.

Stay tuned!

xx

Hazel

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