To start, I need to say that “movie review” is a generous genre to categorize these posts. It’s more that I have a story or loose string of thoughts relating to a movie. But like I said, if you want legitimate movie reviews, check out https://www.dancelikedevito.com–
Moving on to the actual meat of the post. There was a conversation that pulled into question the credibility of my attention span when I watch tv or movies (on television). I am a channel flipper. I don’t watch commercials – I skip commercials and flip back just as the show I was watching comes back. This a skill I honed in my adolescence due to the fact that I few friends and a less than willing playmate in my older sister. It should also be known that a bulk of the movies I’ve seen were on TV and stitched together from multiple viewings that caught different fragments of the movie. I personally think it’s fun to watch certain movies that way. Call me a monster but tbh I know I ain’t alone in this.
ANYWAYS. Said person told me I basically have the attention span of a goldfish for not being able to sit through commercial breaks. I took OFFENSE. Why. Would. I. Waste my time on commercials? His argument wasn’t without merit but he takes movie watching quite seriously much like Eagletonians and dressage (horse dancing). He claims that the risk of missing a moment while channel flipping undermines the emotional impact the movie is trying to make in any given scene and that the two minutes of programming I’d catch on another channel while avoiding commercials ends up also betraying the artistry for same reasons. I disagreed. I do not need ten straight hours of context to feel emotions. Because I am not a sociopath.
Then, the super nerd challenged me to recount the first LOTR. You bet your candy ass I accepted the challenge. This movie was chosen because it is one I’ve watched passively, fragmented-ly through channel flipping, and multiple times. It was on TNT all the time when I was growing up and it still is.
So, in a restaurant, while he picked at his teeth, I began my long an arduous journey of recounting The Fellowship of the Ring scene by scene. I nailed it. In short: it was about little folks with dirty feet backpacking around the world with their club of woodland friends to pawn off some cursed jewelry. It wasn’t the most flattering retelling but in terms of accuracy I did just fine. It would be much too long to write down my entire synopsis so here a snippet of the opening scenes of the movie as I remember it:
So. It opens with some flash back nonsense of a dude getting his finger cut off. Real dramatic. The finger coincidentally was the finger he wore his promise ring on. That apparently was big flipping deal. The promise ring is important. Remember it. It’ll come back later.
And then cut to a different time there’s old man in gray with his horse riding in to town. Then little big eyes hops into the carriage to have a quick howdy do. From context seems old man hasn’t been to town in hottie tottie minute. Then he gets to a house that looks like Tinker Bell’s house in pixie hollow ( I would know. I’ve been there). Then the old gray man is let inside by a small old man who is all chatty about being old and how it sucks balls.
Next its party time. Party party party. I’m old, time to party. Then little bug eyes go to his potato friend who is staring at a pretty lady and is all “you gonna tap that or what” and the potato is like “no I’m scared”. Then two carrot people steal some fireworks and wreak havoc because it ain’t no party without some civilian casualties. Party hard or die trying, yknow? Then old little man takes advantage of the chaos puts on some jewelry and runs away from the party……….
I think we’ve heard just enough to know that I know I’m talking about.
SKIPPING COMMERCIALS IS OK. YOU REMEMBER THE EMOTIONAL CONTEXT WHEN YOU COME BACK TO IT. AND WHAT IDIOT WHO CUTS UP MOVIES FOR TV WOULD SPLIT AN ULTRA DRAMATIC SCENE UP. YOU EVER SEE AN ULTRA ACTION SEQUENCE GET SPLIT IN THE MIDDLE BY A HUGGIES DIAPER COMMERCIAL?! ME. NEITHER.
GO, MY FRIENDS. BE FREE!!! You are not limited to watching one show every thirty minutes. You can watch at least two and at most four (it gets messy with more than that. Trust me). But no matter what, don’t let no fucking nerd tell you how to watch tv.
Hazel aka Auditing Sista